Beyond Heaving Bosoms the Smart Bitches' Guide to Romance Novels. But once he’s romantically smitten, his heart is no longer able to view the damsel as sexual prey—which earlier had allowed him to (mis)treat her accordingly. University of Groningen, The Netherlands. I really wanna know what it feels like for a woman, I want to know why it makes them feel good and in what ways. Thank you. Funny how the two images that would appeal to feminazis are the ones that show or suggest BDSM whereas the ones aimed at real Men are the sort that you would have trouble associating with it even if you're into it. Top-down and bottom-up are strategies of information processing and knowledge ordering,in system theories (see systemics).. Not only are those limits and boundaries observed - they are also pushed, by the Dominant, with the permission of the submissive. The next assumption is that the bottom’s submissive role is the cause of psychological problems. But wait, back up. Its culture that decides that women should have skinny arms, with as little muscle definition as possible. Here’s my 101 guide to bottoming: Begin with dilation: Get yourself an anal trainer kit and start training for dilation two to three times a week (for as little as five minutes each time). And not so much control in being surrounded by suitors and thus thinking that that way you get to be choosy. Selfless givers vs. otherish givers. Once the engines have been started, the bottom needs to sit on the tip of the penis, allowing control of entry. Scenes are not rehearsed like in Gorean staging. Without the consent and acquiescence of the sub, then BDSM like everything else is nothing more glamourous than abuse. What is it about being submissive that can make it thrilling as opposed to threatening? 8 Pros and Cons of Criminal Profiling There are similarities and patterns in criminal behavior that allow law enforcers to determine the profile of perpetrators. Yet I feel she has all the control in our relationship even though she submits to almost all my sexual desires. Graduating to new positions: Once you have fully received the penis, the last hurdle is to add new positions into the mix, like doggy-style. Wow, amazing blog layout! Evan Goldstein, founder of Bespoke Surgical (which has offices in New York and Beverly Hills), has extensive experience educating gay and bi men on health care issues specific to the community, including: anatomical and mental sexual dysfunction; the myriad of same-sex relationship types and their evolving dynamics in the current social climate; HPV prevention, management, and treatment; anal Pap smear analytics and pertinence to cancer prevention; sexual education (i.e., proper techniques to minimize injury and enhance overall sexual experience); and how recent medical advances have revolutionized the way that gay men have sexually evolved. *Rant over. Brothels exist to provide sexual fantasy, however I exsist to dominate by instinct and serendipity. As a submissive female, I call bullshit. When we entered the bedroom I was completely in his domain. We don’t advise inserting the entire length of the plug and leaving it in on the first try, because removal may be difficult, which could cause tearing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cAxGqE84Jk. Not receiving enough warmth, affection, praise, love, or encouragement. Many cases of bullying at school have been linked to physical abuse cases. You’re on the bottom of the totem pole so why wouldn’t you be submissive. There is actually a great deal of strength and control in recognizing someone as your superior. Engage a specialist: The process to becoming a pro at bottoming can be daunting, but it is totally achievable if you follow the above process. For how can these classically feminine qualities not be seen as ultimately giving her an advantage...", Could this be a kind of use of emotional intellect to dominate men (who "classically" also fall short here)? For example, if a girl was riding me, had her hand on my mouth, telling me to shut the hell up as she had her way with me, it would really turn me on, and what that would make me want to do, is flip her over and “devour her soul” as discussed above. During an intense point in a scene, yes, the Dom is temporarily in total control. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being; Join IAAP; iaapsy.org; Original Article. This is NOT what happens with a predominantly sub girl being dominated. Ogas and Gaddam quote a 24-year-old middle school teacher as reflecting: “The bottom is really in control. Wendell, Sarah, and Candy Tan. Yet, within positive psychology, its definition and the psychological pathways by which it evokes happiness are elusive (Diener and Biswas-Diener 2008). If I wanted to do something different, I would have to ask him and wait for his decision. Being on top of the penis really allows for you to determine your level of comfort. Corresponding Author. and Two, because it assumes that power and control are static elements in a relationship. Historically, a great number of romance novels have spotlighted the heroine’s non-consensual, and even degrading, sexual deflowering by the hero. Being an insecure control freak with issues that you can't express in civilised company that you use "our thing" for is NOT being a dominant. I "choose" who I want and chase him. However, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable is worked out beforehand - long before any bedroom play happens - and anything and everything within said boundaries can happen, and will happen, at any given time at the whim of the Dom. One example that we can probably relate to pertains to female dogs, who sometimes mount other females or (for that matter) legs of humans". I will submit to him because I feel he deserves it and it would be an honor to please him. What’s perhaps most interesting in all this is the psychological relief that many alpha males in socially dominant positions experience in identifying with the submissive role. A big part of the reason why I don't like being the object of someone's craving is that I feel like my hand is being forced. Use a water-based lubricant and start with the smallest plug. And is this, finally, akin to Henry Kissinger’s immortal line: “Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac”? I do think it's traditionally feminine to use "cunning" to dominate the male psyche and hence ultimately, guide the relationship. The submissive is in "subspace" while the Dom makes all the decisions. But that does not mean the same power imbalance remains AFTER the scene ends. Surely, it’s significant here that women who are given testosterone supplements not only reveal increased sex drive, but also more aggressiveness, greater willingness to start fights, and less aversion toward taking risks. Allow yourself to relax before removing the plug, then re-lubricate and re-insert to the point of pressure. "The formulaic ending of the romantic adventure is that whereas the innocent, submissive heroine may earlier have been sexually deflowered by the alpha hero, now he’s emotionally deflowered by her. But I recall a time when I was annoyed with her and at arms length, when she actually started pursuing me sexually. I am not interested in taking the passive role and waiting around for suitors to come to me. It's because of who he is that I chose to approach him in the first place. So it’s something like having their cake and eating it, too. • A bottom-up approach which starts with small details and creates the big picture. The scene has a hard enough time promoting itself as something positive without cancerous malignants like that. Ironically, although she may still be submissive to him, she’s yet in control of the relationship. Insights into the way we think and behave. This is NOT a game - this is a lifestyle. If all else fails, see a specialist in gay sexual health and wellness, who can provide both medical — such as personalized dilation and Botox — and surgical options (including anal restoration) to help improve results and assist in relaxation of the muscles. I am usually very sexually driven towards here, daily. But there’s nonetheless a certain consent implicit in the female reader’s tacit agreement to vicariously participate in such a dangerous, threatening, yet terribly exciting, experience. The more she is dominated, the more it turns her on, and the harder she wants to be dominated, until she reaches the big O. I’m a complex, passionate, talented human being who simply likes playing this way. I will submit to him because I trust he knows better than me. We have a chld with another on the way. 7 Gaslighting Phrases Used to Confuse and Control, How Narcissism Distorts Self-Image via Self-Concept Clarity, Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Awe: The Instantaneous Way to Feel Good and Relieve Stress, How Face-to-Face Disagreements Hijack Available Brain Space, Dynamics of historical Master / Slave relations, Unqualified assumption that females are "naturally" submissive, Comments on "Dominant or Submissive? And, according to Ogas and Gaddam, rape was a frequent occurrence in such fiction in the ’70s and ’80s. How do you think the relationship of a true master/slave couple of 200 years ago would have been? Not only is it a pleasurable side effect to your dilation training, but you can start to channel your orgasm anally and begin to gain control over time. We all have them, so don’t fret, but just remember if you don’t use it, you lose it. If the male is so enamored of a woman that he’ll do anything to make her his own, if he’s “enslaved” by his boundless passion, then who, after all, is in charge of the relationship? In contrast, some individuals who were forced into responsible adult roles early in life, desire to relinquish the burden of control. Being subissive bottom to me anywys is better but anyway just was addinto the iscussion. What an insight?! And few, if any of those misandry ridden types who hijack BDSM to spout their bile don't/can't understand is that it is ALWAYS the sub who has control as it has to be. Arguing inductively, Ogas and Gaddam state: “Since heterosexual female macaques mount other females, and heterosexual male bonobos allow themselves to be mounted by other males, it’s reasonable to presume that they also feel pleasure from switching over to the other side.” And this is why the authors avoid making hard-and-fast distinctions between dominance and submission—for humans, too, seem capable of shifting from one role to the other. ), it's really hard to say who's more or less dominant in this situation. In this paper, we seek to address these issues by delineating leisure and presenting a conceptual framework linking leisure to subjective well-being (SWB). Get out if you can't accept that, we don't want you. Quite the opposite, it is a big turn-off and it gives me the heebie-jeebies. My wife is the heroine and I am the alpha hero, and I am completely smitten with her. To them, it’s her Magic Hoo Hoo. And if this continually repeating fictional fantasy never seems to grow old, it’s because so many female readers seem hard-wired to respond to it. Consider Ogas and Gaddam’s citing the famous words of Swiss author Madame de Staël: “The desire of the man is for the woman; the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.” If a large part of a woman’s arousal derives from feeling sexually desired then we can appreciate the essential plotline of virtually all romance novels, which for decades have been hugely popular. On what basis can we claim that any of our cultural gender role is biological? "Going beyond this viewpoint, it’s useful to explore the paradoxical possibility that there can be submission within dominance—and dominance within submission.". Psychology; Videos; Pros and Cons; Home 8 Pros and Cons of Criminal Profiling. Such an approach focuses on how human beings process information and looks at how individuals treat information, leading to responses. I often tell patients that great bottoms have been doing it for quite some time, with many first experiencing it in their youth. He holds doctorates in English and Psychology. But as much as I looove being a top, appreciation is always nice. A superior person I can learn from. Initially, she may have had to surrender to him, but now he’s the one who must capitulate. So as far as emotional dominance I think if you have the typical pairing of the alpha male/heroic type and the "heroine" who is more likely to use intellect to get to him ("sexual cunning"? Use it or lose it: The key to continued ease of bottoming is to be consistent in using the above dilation methods, even throughout sexual dry spells. I get that, but here’s what I don’t get: What BEING DOMINATED does to me is make me feel desired, which turns me on, which makes me want the girl more, which then makes me want to DOMINATE her. BDSM is the acronym for “Bondage, Discipline, and Sadomasochism.” This sounds like a form of sexual expression highlighting the harshness of inflicting and receiving pain. Although personally I've always defined submission as having to ask for something to get something for yourself in return; by that definition prostitution would be female-dominant, traditionally "chivalrous" behavior would be male-submissive, and performing oral sex is usually dominant (whether b/c it was requested--which means the power balance shifts away from the one requesting it, or because the dominant person would be the one who volunteered it. I need it, but I can't stand it. ", I do think it's possible for a Sub to do this, or perhaps that would make them a Switcher? Posted on August 8, 2008 February 19, 2010 by Adam … There is solid precedent for that - nothing about biology implies females should have longer hair than males, for example, or redder lips or paler skin. I wouldn't want to dominate my Dom and certainly not change him. This series of posts on human sexual desire has uncovered many intriguing ironies and paradoxes. The question then arises: Do women experience “relational power” in knowing that they’re erotically cherished and adored—the object of a man’s strongest craving? Chip. Then share 'em on Facebook, Pinterest, email and more! © 2012 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. But even without such supplementation, many women prefer taking on the typical male role of seducer. - in complete and total control, which is the goal after all - of BOTH parties. I was the Bottom and our relationship started from age 13 to we were pass 30 where life took us down different paths and I can honestly tell you that he Dominanted me from day one on every aspect as by the time we were 15 he had me completely trained and I loved it and loved obeying him. In earlier posts (here and here), I discussed the fact that women generally prefer taking the submissive role in relationships. The overall look of your site is excellent, let alone the content! I feel this tug of war in my head is driving me away from her and that is the last thing I want. We’ve actually had a psychological assessment (Myers-Brigg) done which reflects our energies completely his is more of a feeling/sensing person while I’m a thinking/perceiving person. Still, it’s never too late to learn, and we all enjoy new and positive sexual experiences. I cannot imagine how anyone would be into being submissive, but I guess different kinks for different folks. Perhaps the erotism of the assigned gender roles is too, entirely cultural. As you can see, the term cognition means knowing, which means that cognitive psychology looks into the act or mental process that aids people in acquiring knowledge. I even made it my business to always walk behind him after we got naked. 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